Revictimization
by anotherchance100
Summary: Set after "Forgiving Rollins". Just when things are starting to get better in Amanda's life, the one thing that tore her apart, happens again.
1. Chapter 1

**I own nothing.**

**Reviews are essential if I'm gonna keep writing. :)**

**Warning/Trigger warning for references to assault in this chapter.**

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Rollin's sat on her bed, knees drawn to her chest, rocking forth and back, trying to keep the tears from slipping from her eyelids. The sadness had overcome her once again, but even more so, it was the guilt.

"Stop. Pull yourself together, Amanda," she muttered to herself, trying to calm herself. "They don't need to find out how stupid you were."

She drew her hand up to her eye, feeling the skin around it, swollen, and burning with heat. It was definitely bruised, it had to be. How was she going to cover this up? They were obviously going to find out she had been beat up. They didn't need to know by whom, or how much further it really had went. They wouldn't see the bruises on her inner thighs, or her pride completely ripped from her body. She would say it was a mugging, they would believe her.. Right?

She pushed herself up off the bed, glancing at the clock, 7:00AM. She had half an hour to get to the station and act normal. She didn't have time to shower, to rid her body of the feeling and substance the too familiar man had left behind on her. She shook it from her head; she would come home at lunch and shower. She began to dress herself, trying to cover each and every bruise, scratch and bite mark that aligned her body. How worthless, she thought to herself.

She managed to get to the precinct by 7:20AM. She sighed as she entered the squad room and headed towards her desk. Fin and Nick weren't there yet, but she could hear Olivia on the phone in her office. She feared Olivia would see right through her lies, and she had no doubt she probably would.

She settled at her desk, typing away at her computer. Minutes had passed before Olivia emerged from her office.

"Where's Fin and Nick?" Olivia said, startling Amanda.

Amanda glanced up from her computer, revealing her battered face. She seen the look in Olivia's eyes, it was pity. She pretended she hadn't noticed, like nothing was wrong. "I don't know," she responded, "maybe they got an early call?" It had crossed her mind, it was strange they both weren't there.

"Amanda.." Olivia said, walking towards her, sympathetically. "What happened?"

Amanda could feel her face burning red, she was so embarrassed. Olivia had clearly noticed that which made her worry that this was no accident. "I was walking home last night, some teenagers got on me about my wallet, they wanted money. I didn't want to make a big deal out of it, don't worry," Amanda said, hesitantly. Her mind then flooded with flashbacks, with his face, the smell of his sweat, bile rising in her throat. She could feel her eyes flooding with water, threatening to drain out. She tried to blink them away.

Olivia could see the pain written across Amanda's face. She had no doubt as she seen Amanda's eyes fill with tears, that what Amanda had just told her was a flat out lie. Why couldn't she be honest with her, ever? Was this another gambling incident? She couldn't jump to conclusion, she didn't want to. She would give her the benefit of a doubt. Olivia looked around the squad room, then zoning in on Amanda. "Come on, in my office," she said calmly, trying not to let her voice sound disappointed.

Amanda got up from her desk, thoughts racing. Olivia knew. She just knew. She seen right through Amanda, just what she had feared. What was she going to tell her? She would tell all of the guys, which was the last thing she wanted right now. She felt sick again, her face burning, the room swaying. She followed Olivia over to the couch in her office, swaying before sitting down. Her whole body ached and burned.

Olivia noticed her almost fall before she sat down, worrying her even more. What the hell had happened? "This time, I want the truth," Olivia said, more sternly. "No more lies."

Amanda didn't expect Olivia to be so direct, but here she was, and after the tone Olivia had used she felt nervous, like she wanted to shy away, not tell anyone. She was afraid Olivia would get mad. "I – uh, I'm sorry, Liv," Amanda blurted out, not wanting to continue. Trying to avoid the upcoming words of what really had happened to her. "I was out last night, I got myself in a bad situation," she said, starting to reveal little details of what had happened.

Olivia got a bad feeling in her stomach when she heard, 'I got myself in a bad situation,' She worried this was a lot worse than she had thought. Maybe it wasn't gambling, after all. "What kind of situation?"

"I ran into an old colleague, from Atlanta," Amanda replied, turning redder. "I don't know why he was in town, but anyway, we decided to go back to my place for drinks, catch up, y'know?"

Olivia nodded for Amanda to keep going. As soon as she heard the word 'Atlanta,' she had her own assumptions of what had happened. Surely this had nothing to do with Paton though.

"Anyway, I got pretty drunk, it was my own fault," Amanda said, feeling tears prick her eyes, "I brought him to my apartment, from a bar, what should I expect? I led him on… Obviously when I didn't follow through, say yes, he got a little rough. I just, uh – let him down, I guess. But it's no big deal; I'm fine. He's fine. It's done." Amanda said, catching the first tear to spring from her eye with her finger. She looked away from Olivia. How pathetic did she think she was now?

"So, he hit you, when you said no?" Olivia asked, the feeling in her stomach growing, making her want to throw up.

Amanda nodded, still not meeting her eyes. She had never felt such shame in her life. Why had she told Olivia any of this?

"Just your eye?"

Amanda chuckled, like, yeah right. "No," she said, a tear falling down her face. She was quick to wipe it away.

"Where else?"

Amanda felt like she was going to puke, having to expose details of her assault. "My stomach, my arms.." she choked out.

"And then?" Olivia asked, trying to get her to go on. She could see Amanda zoning out, which made her worry her fear was true. "Did he force you?" She didn't want to use the 'R' word right yet.

The bile was rising in her throat, she got up, stumbling a little, and darted to the trashcan throwing up. All she had was stomach bile; she hadn't been able to eat. She dry heaved for a few minutes. She could see from the corner of her eye, Olivia standing there, which made her even more embarrassed. She stood up slowly, steadying herself by holding onto the wall.

Olivia figured by her upchucking that her answer was a yes, that she had been raped. Olivia put her hand to her forehead, trying to figure out what to say, what to do. When everything happened with Paton, she had not been there. This time she wanted it to be different. She was used to doing this with other victims, people she didn't know, but this was Amanda. Although their relationship was complicated and at times, quite estranged and tense, she really did care for her. She could only imagine how she was feeling. "Have you been to the hospital?"

Amanda turned back to face Olivia. "No."

"Okay.." Olivia sighed, "well, will you let me take you? At least to get checked out?"

Amanda's first thought was no way in hell. But her ribs were burning so bad it almost made her change her mind. Just because she went to the hospital doesn't mean she would have to report anything. She knew that. She nodded her head, agreeing to go.

Olivia walked behind her desk, grabbed her purse and keys and led Amanda out the door. They were out to Olivia's car in no time, the whole walk in complete silence.

Once inside the car, pulling out of the precinct, Amanda looked over to Olivia. She couldn't tell if she was disappointed, sad, or angry with her. "I'm sorry," she said, quietly, but loud enough for Olivia to hear her.

Olivia looked over to her, sympathy written all over her face. "Don't be sorry about what happened to you last night, ever – okay? That was not your fault." Olivia knew how hard it was to believe that though, between her multiple assaults, she struggled a lot with accepting none of it had been her fault. Many times she felt she was in over her head.

They pulled up to the hospital in a matter of minutes. Before Amanda knew, her name was being called by a nurse to go see a doctor.

Amanda looked to Olivia, giving her permission to go in with her. As embarrassing as this was, she really didn't want to be alone. Olivia walked beside Amanda, entering into a room with a bed and chairs.

"The doctor will be in with you shortly," the nurse said smiling, closing the door behind her.

"Do you want me to stay?" Olivia asked.

"If you don't mind," Amanda said. "But if you don't want to, or if you have things to do, feel free to go. I don't wanna hold you up."

"I'm staying," Olivia said, smiling, taking a seat next to the bed.

Amanda climbed onto the bed, wincing, hoping Olivia didn't notice. Soon enough, she would know the damage though.

The door opened and in came a doctor. A middle-aged woman with dark hair. "Hi, I'm one of the doctor's in the ER today. You must be Amanda?"

Amanda nodded.

"So, what brings you here?"

Amanda looked at Olivia. She felt sick again, the words just weren't coming. She couldn't say it again. Olivia saw Amanda struggling and stepped in.

"She was assaulted last night." Olivia looked to Amanda and the doctor, "physically and sexually."

"I just want to make sure nothing's wrong," Amanda blurted out.

The doctor wrote a few things down on her clipboard and moved over towards Amanda. "I'm sorry," she said, "I'm going to need to examine you. Is there anywhere that's particularly painful?"

"My stomach."

The doctor moved towards Amanda, pulling up the hem of her shirt. The black, purple and blue bruises just about covered her whole stomach. "Okay, I'm going to send you for an x-ray for that. There is extensive bruising which makes me worried about possibly a fractured rib or internal damage. I'm also going to have you do a rape kit, with your permission, of course. It may take a little while, but a nurse will be in to take you for your x-ray and perform the examination. If you could just hang tight for a while?"

Amanda nodded, pulling her shirt back down to cover herself. The doctor left the room then.


	2. Chapter 2

**Thanks for the reviews thus far :)!**

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It felt like they had been in the hospital for hours, but all in all they had only been there three and a half hours. Olivia had sat by Amanda during the whole examination, as Amanda struggled to stay composed but towards the end there was no composing herself. Olivia knew that feeling all too well.

There were two knocks on the door before the doctor re-entered the room. She looked at Amanda sympathetically. "We got your x-ray back, you have two broken ribs along with rib contusions. All I can really advise is that you rest and take it easy, take some time off work. Also, I have some pills to prevent any chance of STI's and pregnancy. If you want to take them," she held the medicine cup in her hand.

Amanda shifted uncomfortably in the bed. "I'm on the pill, so I guess I will just need the infection preventing ones," she blushed, revealing she was on the pill in front of Olivia. It was just an all too personal day for Amanda; she never let anyone in on her life before like she had with Olivia today.

The doctor handed her the pills and a cup of water, and Amanda took the pills.

"I can't give you anything for the pain in your ribs, but I just advise some Tylenol or Advil. Other than that, you're free to go."

"Thanks," Amanda said, genuinely smiling. Mostly because she just wanted to get out of there.

The doctor left the room, Amanda pushed herself to the side of the bed, slowly standing up, trying to not further aggravate her now broken ribs. Olivia held her hand out for support, Amanda turning down the offer, of course. They made their way out of the hospital back to the car.

"I got a text from Nick earlier, they are out on a call. I never told them anything, just so you know," Olivia said, hoping it would offer some comfort to her. Although, she wanted badly to tell them, she knew that Amanda would need everyone's support through this. God knows Olivia did.

"Thanks, I appreciate that. I don't know if I want to tell them anything yet, I just –" Amanda cut herself off, not wanting to expose anything else.

"You just what?" Olivia asked.

Amanda sighed, "I don't want them to know how weak I was, how stupid, naïve. Again." Amanda silently cursed herself for how pathetic she had been.

"You're none of that, Amanda. Bad things happen and sometimes you can't stop them. I've been there, so have they. They will understand."

"Sorry, I just feel so pathetic," Amanda said, feeling her eyes fill with tears again. God, she hated herself more than ever.

"I know, sometimes I still struggle with that believe it or not," Olivia said, referring to her ordeal with Lewis.

"You're so strong though," Amanda said, surprising at what Olivia had just told her. She seemed to think Olivia did pretty good most days.

"Not as strong as you'd think," she said as she pulled into the garage at the precinct, parking her car. "I'm going to run up and grab a few files, then I'm gonna take you to my place and we will talk. About what you – we are gonna do."

Amanda's first response was that she wanted to go home, be alone. But that's where she had been assaulted; she never wanted to go back there. Her second choice would be to go to Nick's, but seeing as he didn't know what happened and she had no plan on telling him right now, that was out of the option. Same with Fin. So she just nodded, going along with Olivia's plan.

Olivia got out of the car and headed towards the elevator, Amanda staying put in the car.

When she was finally alone in the car, she felt the surge of emotion come over her. Shame, guilt, sadness, anger, disappointment, failure. She leaned against the window and tears slid down her face so fast that there was no point in wiping them away. She was finally completely breaking down. What she wanted more than ever right now was to shower, scrub her body until it bled, get the filth off of her. She could still feel his body lingering on her skin, his sweaty body. It made her stomach turn, so much that she had to open the door and spew her guts out the side of the car onto the pavement.

Olivia just so happened to be stepping off the elevator towards the car when she seen Amanda puking out the passenger door. Her heart ached for the young detective. She had never seen her like this before which caused great worry for her. Amanda looked up as Olivia got closer, wiping her mouth with the back of her sleeve and closing the door. Olivia got in the driver side. "Are you okay? What happened?" Olivia figured something had to trigger the throwing up.

"I'm fine," Amanda replied. She felt so dizzy, like she was going to pass out. She felt like she couldn't breathe and tried to calm herself down.

"Just breathe. I'm gonna get us to my place, so you can relax," Olivia stated, turning on the car and heading out of the garage.

It took about 10 minutes to get to Olivia's place and up into her apartment. Olivia had helped Amanda steady herself all the way up.

"Thanks," Amanda said, as she sat down on the couch, wincing once again from the pain of the sudden movement.

"You should eat something," Olivia said heading to the kitchen, grabbing a pitcher of water out of the fridge and two glasses.

"Ugh," Amanda responded, at the thought of food. "Can I get a shower and we talk after?"

"Sorry, I forgot, yeah, of course. Let me get you some towels and a change of clothes. I'm sure I have something that will fit," Olivia walked into her bedroom, opening and closing drawers. She came out with a pair of pants and a NYPD hoodie.

"Sorry for all the trouble," was all Amanda could say, feeling so guilty being at Olivia's apartment, taking her away from work, basically having her look after her.

"No trouble. If you need any help –"

"I'll be fine, thanks." Amanda closed the bathroom door behind her and began running the shower, turning it to almost scalding hot.

She struggled getting her clothes off and carefully stepped over the tub into the shower. The water poured over her as she scrubbed every inch of skin, inside and out. She couldn't tell if she was crying or if it was just the shower water dripping down her face, but she honestly didn't care anymore. Her skin was bright red from the hot water and extensive scrubbing. When the water finally started to go cold, she turned off the shower, slowly stepping out onto the towel. She wrapped the towel around her body, trying to dry herself off but the pain was so bad from standing up in the shower. She cried out as she patted her ribs dry.

Olivia heard the whimper from the bathroom and headed towards the door. Luckily, it was unlocked. She knocked and then continued opening the door. She looked at Amanda, wrapped in a towel, shivering. "Are you okay?"

"Everything hurts," Amanda said.

"Let me help you get dressed," Olivia offered. She took the pair of pants off the edge of the sink and held them out for Amanda to step into.

Amanda clung on to the towel, trying not to expose herself as she stepped into the pants. The pain it caused was clearly written all over her face.

Next was the hoodie, Olivia picked it up and held it so Amanda could slide it on over her head. In order to do so Amanda had to drop her towel, revealing her naked upper body, bruises and bite marks covering it all over. Olivia got a look but quickly looked away trying to give Amanda privacy. She slid the sweater on over her head with help from Olivia.

Once dressed and back in the living room, Amanda struggled to get the glass of water Olivia had left for her in her. Her stomach wouldn't stop shaking. Olivia watched her shaky hands hold the glass of water. She was happy Amanda was drinking something. She knew she had to ask Amanda what happened, in order to figure out what to do from there.

"So, tell me what happened…"


End file.
